I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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