Betty ford says i'm here all night
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
