Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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