Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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