not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
