I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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