took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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