He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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