Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
