At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
