Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
