I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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