I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
