I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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