My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize