The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
