I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
