if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
