turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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