I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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