On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
