there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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