I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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