I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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