remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
