apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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