If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
