Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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