There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
