I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize