another moral hangover. fuck.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
