I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
