So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
