she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
