i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
