I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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