im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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