I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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