o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize