i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
