i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
