He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
