funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
