I bet he comes in French.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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