Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
