dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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