Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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