Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
