Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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