is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
