I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
