I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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