My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
