I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
