Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
