just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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