I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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