We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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