I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
