I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
