Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
