You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize
